Sleepy Hollow of Hawaii Kai

I have been pouring my heart into getting into nursing school when the prayers I had been praying over and over again were finally anwered. Or were they? It started on Friday driving into hawaii Kai for a CNA shift. I had my mapquest in hand and as I walked out the door I looked at my 2 sons and my husband and absolutely did not want to leave them. My youngest, Koah has been having breathing problems since he was born but an episode the week before finally pushed me to make ANOTHER doctor's appointment. I sighed, resigned myself and headed out the door. I felt fine and prayed a few prayers on the way down to Hawaii Kai and then enjoyed the ride. I love cruising this way on Oahu, Hawaii Kai at night is lit up like a miniature christmas town except instead of christmas lights, these massive glass homes nestled and stacked in the mountains display a wealth of artistic lighting and art gallerys of a sort. As I neared my destination, I started to get an uncomfortable feeling. Was it the spirit? My anxiety about Koah? I wasn't sure but I had made a committment and I was sticking to it. I pulled up to the 2nd to last road and ended up in the hidden ghetto part of Hawaii Kai, the street sign was broken with no name of it in sight and the road looked dark and lonely. I decided to turn around and double check myself with the directions, google is always wrong so maybe mapquest was too. Nope, it was the right street and as I bucked up and chose to turn down the street something inside of me was screaming, "TURN AROUND!" but I didn't, I told myself I was ok and I had a job to do. Slowly driving down this narrow, broken road I noticed the boundary wall covered in graffiti and some hateful words, as I continued on there was a noticeable amount of no trespassing signs tucked in places among the growing weeds. I was nervous but what happened next completely unnerved me and my inhibition to think straight. The headlights of my Jeep flickered and went out..... I was immersed in complete and utter darkness, the fear and panic was rising in my throat and in the hairs tingling all over my body. I scrambled with one hand messing with the lights and the other to call my husband to come save me as if he could, this was our only car I was an hour away from my safety net. I pushed the lights on and they would flicker on for a second and then go out. I was begging and praying for me to get out of that situation, I continued forward because it was too narrow to turn around and pitch black, when I saw a humble, dimly lit house up ahead. These homes had seen better days and I was not about to stay in Sleepy Hollow another second. I had enough lighting by this time and Michael on the phone listening to my incoherent babble, so I turned around. When I did the lights started to flicker on again and when I had exited the street to the "safe" neighborhood, the jeep lights had completely came back on. Since then not one problem with the jeep, and none like that before. I called into work and went home to my babies with no regret except feeling a little guilty about work having to find someone to replace me, but it's over and done. So how did this answer my prayers? I'm not sure if I can explain the answer but the concept I realized from this was to not worry about school so much anymore, or that of things to come and be with my children, and when the time comes for school, it will. So I didn't let go of nursing school, but after this weekend I loosened my grip a bit and am hugging my babies just a little bit tighter..............

Get in where you fit in?

So if you think that fitting in is for hormonal teenagers vying for a spot in the desired herd. You my dear, are wrong. It seems fitting in continues in all phases of life, it just becomes less complicated, less hormonal but can still be trying, depending on your sense of self. Me? I don't want to have to try per say, but I do like to find common ground and check my opinionated self at the door when deemed neccassary without sacrificing my beliefs or values, but having an ACTIVE 3 year old can change that for a person I realized today when we were at stroller strides. A group of women with kids who like to work out and do a few activities on the side. Seems pretty easy, but today I forgot the diaper bag and of course my son messed his diaper and I had to borrow one, then we were talking about a movie and I said the ending was sad and one of the ladies was a little dissapointed because she was actually going to see the movie today, and then my son busts a little girl's pair of clogs she recieved as a gift from an aunt in Thailand. Seriously?! I don't know why but I get nervous around a group of females anyway. Growing up I had alot of male friends and few close girl friends. It seemed easier with the males because girls were always mad about something and at someone and it seemed that fitting in was trying to find yourself and not step on too many toes. Maybe that is still the case today, and maybe that is why I distance myself in these groups at times, because it's too emotional and mental and why stress when I have enough mental and emotional stamina going into my children and husband?I am going to try and workout to relieve the stress, not create a monumental disturbance among the crowd. Today I will blame it on the forces of nature, but it is weather I want to avoid at all costs. To add, maybe it is still as complicated today as it was when were younger, with the option we can walk away and don't have to wake up wondering if we are going to survive the friendships at school today.

My almost 3 year old is a force to be reckoned with. All over my king size bed, I watch in amazement and slight fear as he pinballs all over the place grazing me and my 10 month old, but never really harming us. I hold my tongue to scold him and a flashback comes to mind of when I was almost five years old playing fruit roll up. Here's how it works, your older pre teen brother comes to town and gets all of the younger siblings riled up so we are forced to play in a huge bed room because my mother is too exhausted to deal with us. This room is shared by 5 of us maybe 6 I cannot remember. Anyway this room has two bunk beds, a twin bed and a crib, and we climb to the top of the bunk, wrap ourselves up and roll off of the top and freefall to the ground still trying to continue the roll screaming "Fruit Roll Up!" Well, that is the version of my memory, it may bid different with my other brothers and sisters. How I did not break any bones until years later in a freak kickball accident, only God knows, and I look at my son and think of the resiliency children have and as we get older Fear seems to become a closer friend. I cannot even sit near a swing set anymore without a rise of panic in my chest. But as that fear seems to holster me, I find that my fear has been replaced by courage in other situations.

Under the Veil

"We come into this world alone, and will go out the same way." This is a quote I read in an article about people and visions they had before dying. The article was researching the truth of the visions. Were they real or Hallucinations? Many of these visions held by people are that of their mother, which I found amazing. We are absolutely not alone when we come into this world. Our mother is right there with us bearing a pain that we don't even remember, and our father is usually right next to her comforting her and holding her hand, waiting eagerly to hold and protect us, So it does seem fitting, and to reiterate what was in the article, that our mother would be the one there to comfort us into our crossing over. Birth was not a vision, it is evidence of crossing over from one place to the next. Maybe the innocence and lack of remembering the first few years of life go hand in hand with being a true gift from god. We were still part celestial transitioning to the terrestial, hence the beginning of the veil that covers our eyes in this life from absolute knowledge and thus, begins our own personalized test and journey in this world which we hopefully will gain wisdom, love and understanding to bring back with us when our life journey ends and another unknown begins.......